This year for my birthday I got many more people asking me the question, "What do you want for your birthday?" to which I could only reply with, I have no idea. Sadly, no I had no flipping idea! I loved my mom's idea for Twelve things that are basic staples.

Vintage picture frames- Or vinange looking picture frames, the ones that look like they've been carved, big thick ones. Or really simple black photo frames will do perfectly
.

Starbucks cards- I always can use a coffee card. LOVE myself some COFFEE!

                                                                                                                                                
Funky fun earrings- I do love a good pair of earrings and they're a great accesory for work.


SOCKS! - wool socks, no show socks, fuzzy socks. I do love socks.


Bath and Body works, Sensual Amber- It's my winter scent. Can't go wrong with a shower gel or lotion.


Itunes gift cards- I can always use new music. I love music.


Notebooks & Pens or mechanical pencils- I always need to write something down. I'm geeky over new notebooks. I love a good big notebook so I can write more things but that usually requires a large bag to carry it with me in, now I suppose it would stay at home and I would use it there, or simply carry it. Smaller notebooks to fit in my bag have been quite useful lately. I actually like writing with pencils best (oh and don't forget one of those eraser pens!). I do like college ruled best, fit more on one page!



Hair clips/headbands, they're a great way to dress up hair. I like the soft head bands so I don't get a headache.


Preground dark roast coffee, I love coffee! Need I say more?





Big Coffee Mugs, Obviously nothing too big but a dark-in-the-hand size.
        
Candles- Jasmine, honeysuckle or sweet smelling rain scents.

           

Various pampering products, bubble bath, manicure stuff, sugar scrubs, bath salts, you know, fun things. I like some neutral scents vanilla, shea butter, oatmeal, eucalyptus etc.
   

Yes the everyday life, school and work have over taken me and I haven't posted in God knows how long.

Well I cut off all my hair in July, I've kept my boyfriend for over 4 months (Cheers for Corbin) and I'm no longer a teenager.

 Me and my Ralph Lauren model boyfriend Corbin on my birthday!!!

 He's just like every other guy.

Not worth my time, a complete waste.

This is why I had fury, scorn brings fury.

Waste of time.

This is why I hate them.

WAY TO BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE

Loser.

Didn't deserve this.

I'm done with you
Done being treated badly
when I've done nothing wrong
when I've done everything right
I consistently pick the ones I know I won't love
ones that can't love me
connections lost
out of fear
none are there
Is true love staring me in the face
did it ask me for a chance after the last one?
did I really need to go into the murky waters I knew wouldn't last
delusions pushed me through, as did my friends
but delusions die and disapate
so did you
now i don't know what i want
I saw her dancing and thought maybe, maybe I just wont
It made me cry
What have I done to deserve this
have I objectified myself enough that i'm not taken seriously
these thoughts float around
I just wanted to have fun, but I'm consistently misread
Conflicts are only clear in my head,
and make no sense to explain
You, you seem logical in choice
it should've be a decision
why is it all a decision
why is it all a thousand things at once
I want simple
never will it happen
timing... sigh
my words leave me when it comes to timing
apparently we don't get along very well
more waiting awaits me
i kick and scream at waiting
my heart screams and cries
screw your waiting, screw you.
You've gotten me NOTHING
nothing I tell you
patience, what the hell for?
For nothing.
Being made to look a fool.
This attention craving whore
a thousand things at once
who will see and understand?
I think you see and understand but you need to pursue
i'm so scared of you
scared of it all
scared of losing
scared of making it too easy
not  being difficult enough
caring too much
not caring enough
I can't do this anymore.
A  break is great,
if I accomplish something during the time
Until then I find it useless
a break for what?
For all the jaded bitter feelings to what?
Go away, that won't happen.
My feelings and passions never die.
They may grow old and weary in certain stories
but catch me on the right day and they'll ignite
One that I can't quell is love
passion to love and be loved,
never dies
so i can't say I wont
theres too much fight left
you say I'm stonger and more mature each time
it doesn't come without broken mentality
with jaded bitterness and hatred
you mistake my strength for the bitter strongtower I've made
bitch central
confidence dripping from my pores
while inside it's washed with fear and brokeness
They each contributed something to the wall of hate
-Self centered possesion and frustration
-Objectification and loss of self, add part to wall of shame
-Neglect
How common the last has become.
Such things cause desires to scream at the hint of reappearance
In fact they all cause me to scream
Scream in rage and scorn
Never to exact revenge
Forget burning the bridge I'll torch the village
You envy by severing ability
It's not to be envied
It comes with pain and loss
the burial of many dreams and hopes
so large is my graveyard
In such rage and grief my tears fall
steady streams
Why should any of you be trusted
Yet I trust willingly again and again
were those glasses real I'd crush them and throw them in flame
melt them and wear the pendant
I never let them know what I think
I figure they won't care, will say nothing
and it doesnt matter
It matters to me, but why waste my breath on them
If only there were a sure way to inflict upon them the emotional pain I've felt
victim 1 is tortured enough I leave him alone
victims 4 and 5, you'll get yours.
I'm confident of that.
One admitted fault, he's exonerated, I don't care to hold him in it.
I was good to you all,
I hope that haunts you.

They say, "You'll know when its the one, when thats it."
Well I know and what? What his head is in the flipping clouds.
I DONT CARE. What he's thinking about anymore.
I don't want to be the fool that sits around for 4 EFFING YEARS
HOPING with no avail. To all ending disapointment that I CAN'T
LET GO because this is it, this is ALL I'VE EVER WANTED.
ALL I WANT.
But what you can't see it!? What you think you have it all figured out
and you're going to mess it up to keep it interesting? No!
Mess it up and LOSE ME!
Which I feel like I can barely say since I KNOW this is IT.
Everything I want.
But if he doesn't know that... Maybe its ok. It just crap cause
if he does know that then he has every knowledge that he can
take advantage.
I just hate when people talk up a friend then they mess up and
SAY NOTHING.
Oh really yeah I've noticed the crickets on your side when he comes up.
JUST SAY SOMETHING. JEEZE.
You can't just effing sit there like you didn't hear me. YOU KNOW.
EVERYONE KNOWS. except me.
I just, I can't do this anymore.
Now I care now I'm like WTF.
"I never dreamed that I'd meet someone like you
I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you
I want fall in love
I want to fall in love
with you."
Wicked Game
Yup pulled out all the stops on my bs playlist.

I'm just so frustrated. I don't know if I can do this.
But I dont know what else to do. I NEED ATTENTION!
Not even like attention that will get me in trouble just attention.
Ok I sit here by myself or if dads here he doesn't hear what i say
half the time or doesnt remember and watches tv and gets on his
crackberry and thats nice. I've been attention starved
and thats why I like having a boyfriend. It's plans to have,
someone to care about whats going on with me, to listen, to love me.
That's why I've always been into boys since my parents
split, because I need some flipping attention.

Being hot SUCKS! why?! Because I never know if I'm liked for me
or because I'm hot.
I'm tired of being objectified.
For whatever stupid reason if you do it to yourself,
it makes it seem like it's not really happening.
Until you wake up and realize you're dumb and it
was.

In other news: Nick and I feel like it's been too long since a significant others of ours have said 'i love you.' We feel that no matter how premature it may be sometimes you just need to hear it because it feels safe and even if it means your heart could be broken its still safe. Like we've had to hold back a reservoir and the dam is about to break.

I just like I'm so upset I dont even want to invite him back.
Like no eff you m$%^$% f **** s#% no. Get out. Done forget this
forget you. You're stupid.
But I can't let it go. CANNOT. so hurry up and be done thinking
because i'll just go fake fall in love with Nick and we'll tell each
other i love you and it'll be a mess.Don't drive me to that or to
Chris's marine buddies. DON'TTTT.

This is your last shot.
Don't **** up.

"I better find your lovin'
I better find your heart

I bet if I give all my love
Then nothings gonna tear us apart"

              -Find Your Love ~Drake


I'm waiting and I'll wait until you....

"Just say yes, just say there's nothing holding you back"

Because....

"This was all I wanted, all I want"
              -Just Say Yes ~Snow Patrol

I know how I feel about you in my heart of hearts and I hope you're finding me in yours
I'll keep waiting until you're sure, I'll be here
Come back to me

"It's so simple and you know it is
You know it is, yeah
We can't be to and fro like this
All our lives
You're the only way to me
The path is clear"
               -JSY ~SP

Truly, "if you love someone let them go, if they come back to you, it's meant to be"

Waiting pains me, "I miss you so much it hurts" I hear that and my heart cries out

and I wonder if you miss me too

I hope you aren't stressing and know that everything will be ok

I'll be here waiting for you to talk to me.

Why things go the way I don't want them to I'll never know

My phone should have a lock past 1 am, or a prompt;
"Are you sure you want to send?"
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

No thoughts past impulse at 2 am.
Or 130.

130 was legit.
The whole happenings of the night were legit.

It was all legit.
Nothing amiss.

I promise you this.
Nothing amiss.

Being criminalized for doing what really was right
when one fragment leads to the wrong idea

The happy part of me could care less
the caring however feels like shat

It wasn't supposed to be this way
however I can't change your thoughts

Opinions are your own
through fault of yours for not asking

Assuming, never good.
I would've told you, had you sweetly asked
even though you really weren't owed

I would've pushed aside my rough exterior
to be honest with you

or is this retrospect?
Hindsight bias

I now realize why I was afraid of you
at least partially

Now you're left to move on
seeting anger in the lot,
do you forget I see all?

It wasn't that I didn't care
simply wasn't attached and connected

Through no fault of each his own
at least in my head

Hate me till the end like the others
if thats what its come to

I doubt I can change your mind,
no matter what is said.

Play the victim, if you're into that sort of thing
which I think you are.

I knew you cared more than you let on,
none of this was done in spite
simply ill thought status in the night.

Reinforcing thoughts that late nights are sacred
commanding reverance
that which I've violated twice.

Whether you understand or not
forever thinking me a cheat
I still think I did right by you
although I ruined my best ending
with tarnishing stains to forever hate

I bid you adieu
with hopes that you'll find true love in the end.

My friend Kurt and I decided thursday that I was going to stay with Ricky.
Because thats really the smartest thing. I really like Ricky too ;)
After letting Ricky know I was majorly mad at him,
and feeling crazy all that day Friday,  
and letting him sweat it out for about a day we finally talked.
I just needed to let him know that I needed for us to plan the
time that we spend together and not just leave it up in the air.
I also needed to tell him what my love language is which I think
he really understood.
That being the short version; all is well.
He called me saturday afternoon before we went to work and we
talked about some things. I didn't get into why I was upset really
because I would've rather talked about it in person so we agreed
to go out after work.
I did tell him that it was just somethings I needed him to do. He said,
"I'm on Facebook, I'm texting you, auugh, I'm putting a lot of effort into
this you're just going to have to be patient with me." He didn't say it
in an exasperated tone or anything. But I was a bit taken back because
I didn't realize that those things were such an effort for him. I thought
about this while I was at work. Most of my argument was that I didn't
think he was putting effort into things with me etc. Which clearly was
now not an argument I could make. I realized that I just needed effort
in different things.
Which he was totally receptive to.
I was also totally unaware of how upset I'd made him by being mad
and not telling him why. Because 1) I felt crazy and wanted to make
sure I said what was really the issue and not other things 2) I didn't
want to tear him apart like a wild beast, for sure not at work 3) I wasn't
about to tell him in a text message.
I had planned to go see Signe and after I got off work somehow flew
out under Ricky's radar, because he would've chased me down the
parking lot, and drove down to GVillage. I had a beer, talked to her
and her roomie Becca. Becca was actually quite helpful, I think
because she's in a decent long distance relationship and knows how
things go. Signe wouldn't let me be hard on myself and both said I had
a valid argument but the consensus of everyone was that I needed to
talk to him. Which I agreed, but I needed to calm down.
Turns out he was really bummed I didn't go bowling thursday night
and bowled really bad.
I felt bad about being all mean and crazy when I woke up Saturday
but I knew that I needed to talk to him about what was wrong.
Which I did and its better now. We both know we can't say we need
to talk or be mad and not say why and let it drag on for a day because
we both react the same way.
He actually told me that I had 2 days to tell him what was wrong then
it was done.
I was like, "oh oh really."
At least we've grown. No harm no foul? Eh I think so.

Over spring break I hung out with Signe and her friends.
I met her friend Jonathan, I actually thought he was dating Signe's
roomate Becca.
Turns out this is the guy who, when I was at BJs on New Years Day with Ashley and Jesse C
and Sign came in with her friends, said that he thought I was beautiful.
I didn't think much of it at the time. Although it did strike me that her guy friends said I was beautiful and not hot.
After hanging out with Signe's friends we were on our way to her mom's house.
She was telling me all kinds of things about Jonathan.
He loves God, hate organized religion.
He's deep. A talented muscian with a beautiful voice.
It takes awhile for him to open up.
She also said that she'd thought about us getting together but now I was with Ricky.
While she was saying this I got a really weird anxious feeling. I was just all freaked out
because this guy sounds like what I've been looking for.
After her mom's house, Sig and I went back to her place and watched the rest of a movie
with everyone.
On my way home I prayed and I felt God said I was where I needed to be.

The Sunday Ricky and I finally got to spend time together after he got back from Vegas,
we fell asleep and took a nap. I woke up after an hour with this anxiety. As if I'd had a dream
containing a premonition that Ricky and I wouldn't make it, that we weren't going to stay together.
Now I was also stressy cause it was the end of spring break and beginning of a busy quarter.
I told Ricky about my fears of us being so busy,at least me.
He told me, "Babe you're in the top 3 of my priorities, School, Work, You. We don't even know if
I have a job so it may just be School and You."

A few weeks go by, I thought about Jonathan. It just sort of bothered me. The feelings that Ricky
and I weren't going to stay together became more frequent.
Struggles during busy school schedule keeping me from being creative continually eat at my soul.
I told my mom about Jonathan.
I was writing in my car before counseling, points that I wanted to cover and thought that maybe
the reason I had these feelings that Ricky and I weren't going to stay together was because he
was thinking about breaking up with me. I texted him and asked. He called me.
He was kinda freaking out not really though just concerned. He said that he hadn't been thinking about
that and wondered if he'd done something. I said no that he really likes me. He asked if I was thinkng about
breaking up with him.I said no no no.
I talked to Lorie about how to have better relational intimacy with Ricky, she said to just be in the moment
whether its watching TV or getting to have a good conversation. She also said to keep my heart open because
thats what you have to do in marriage is continually keep your heart open.
I told her about Jonathan, she said that I could simply friend him on facebook because he's interesting.
I decided that I was going to do my best to have fun Thursday when I saw Ricky. Also that I would friend
Jonathan on facebook.
Wednesday all I did was talk to my friends about Jonathan. I showed my bff Ashley, Taylor and my mom a picture of him.
Their responses respectively,
"Omgosh he's hot, dump ricky. jk jk jk"
"wow he's cute. like wow."
"You aren't seeing him why?" OMG MOM!

I ended up talking to Taylor the longest about him.I had originally drank coffee at 7pm to stay up so I could catch up on math.
Sleep didn't call me until 330am. I slept for 5 hours got up had more coffee and went to work.
All night talking to Taylor there was this internal struggle between Ricky and Jonathan in my mind/heart.
I wasn't about to break up with Ricky to date Jonathan but figured that maybe I could get to know Jonathan
as friends and then if something happened when Ricky graduated in a year, who knows.
However when I woke up and due to my over caffienation I was in desperate need to talk to Kurt, my work husband.

Kurt and I talked about it on and off all day at work (11am-230p=all day). We weighed each side. We decided that I would
in a way forget Jonathan and just be with Ricky it was the best thing anyway.

I got off work and called Ricky, no answer. Well I finally get a hold of him an hour later.
I’d hoped that we would get to spend time together before we went bowling around 9pm.
Use some of the techniques Lorie told me about Tuesday try to smooth things over with how I feel about him.
We start talking and he wants to get some work done before bowling and didn’t want to get together until 9 or whatever.
Which was disappointing. He says it’s because he wants to get some stuff done tonight before we go out.
He was saying he needed to get caught up on stuff. Like what do you mean get caught up, you haven’t worked since last quarter ended. What have you been doing? This is bull.
He starts saying how this quarter is going to be busy. He and Abby got into the Bronze class (ballroom dance) 
so he’ll have that Monday and Wednesdays after all his classes. Then Thursday s he has resuscitation and then more dancing with Abby . Then working Friday and Saturday nights.
So while he said that I was in the top 3 priorities (School, Work, Sam) I feel like the time I get divvied up to spend with him is the leftovers. Wow honey you sound too busy for me. I feel like an afterthought.
I just feel so frustrated. Like I was totally prepared to give things a shot after being bothered by all this Jonathan stuff and talking to Lorie about relational intimacy with Ricky. But now, this is like crap.

So I don't know what to do but I have to see him at work tonight.

1) I worked a double. I'm tired

2) It's my and Ricky's one month anniversary
-He's been in Vegas for a week
-I haven't heard from him
-I had to work all day

3) I have to double next thursday
-it's usually my day with Ricky.

4) New quarter starts monday
-I'm taking 15 hours and have no idea how busy thats going to make me

5) My online order I hoped to have for Sunday hasn't shipped yet.

6) I've a had a wretched headache since about 2 p.m.

I'm just so irritated. I'm tired. My head hurts. I miss Ricky.
I'm frustrated because since I haven't gotten to spend like
anytime with him in the past week and I miss him I don't
want to worry about spending time next week. Which may
have been impossible anyway, I don't know what his schedule
is.
I already stress out when I start a new quarter and it isn't
helping that I feel like I'm working so much.
Oh yeah and yay, Ricky has oral surgery next friday so I get
to be nurse Sam the next weekend.  Which like YAY he's
going to let me take care of him....
Wow I need to like calm down or something.
I mean, yeah I'm frustrated, but if I get to spend time with
him even if he's not feeling great, thats still time together.
I just really miss him right now.