I went to talk to the owner of the salon yesterday.
She told me that they're not sure they're hiring, going
to see how the business goes, and to hold off.
Needless to say I was crushed. But it wasn't
so shocking since when I prayed in the parking
lot before I went in I felt like God said, "Wait!"
Yes?
"It's not going to go the way you think, but trust me."
So now is the trusting part.

After that happened and I called my parents and
texted a few friends, did a little shopping. Then I
went to see my work mom Terryl. She made me
feel better.
Definitely bummed.

Ok, so I started thinking, you know I really do like my job.
What if the people at the salon aren't happy? and they're
mean? So I was freaking out about that. I thought I should
be happy I have a job that I like with people I like. I've realized
that when I work a solo shift, I consider the people I work with
the servers. But when I host on the weekend, technically the
people I work with are the other hosts. Which I like them
enough by them selves or when we aren't busy. I but I feel like
when theres 3 of us, it becomes a battle of attitudes. Which I'm
so over. So I want to quit before christmas hits full swing because
I don't want to work with them. There it is!
I'm just tired of this superiority attitude complex I keep getting
on weekends. I'm like seriously, why can't we just work together
and be equal or pretend we're equal. Or just work together and
help each other out and not feel like we need everyone else
to help us. After my whole little talking to and just the way
things have played out since then I suppose I somewhat feel
unwanted. Like seriously, I feel like the person that I feel this
way the most about would be like suprised that I'd quit but
then again I could totally see her saying something behind my
back about how she didn't think I'd make it. Thats just the
downside of hearing someone talk bad about other people.
I do know that the managers say I do a great job and that
most everyone loves me. Or likes me. I know there would be
people that would probably be shocked. Then I think there are
people that wouldn't blame me. Part of me kind of thought that
maybe God was getting me out of it for a reason. I heard a rumor
or two about my GM and while my last post was scathing, if
anything happened to her, I give my two weeks that second.
Aside from a few of her off the wall comments, I like working
with her, she's fun and a mostly happy person. I feel allied
with her. Like I know that if anything is wrong I can talk to her
about it and she'll do what she can for whatever the situation.
I also think that she would understand if I left the salon under
the pretense that I want to see if being a stylist is something I
would want to persue after college. Whether or not thats true.
I wouldn't be leaving with ill will or feelings. Yeah I don't like
working with the other hosts, except Kelli she's amazing nice
and sweet I <3 her. I know that if I quit, I feel like I can't go back,
because my shifts will get covered. If I stay on for 3 shifts a week
then I feel like Holly where you're like half in one place and half
in the other. Like I'm not settled. I have been reflecting on how
it feels working at the Woo. It feels like home. The bar and dining
room at late night is comforting to me.
I think it just boils down to me feeling like its over. I can't explain
why or how, but I just feel like its over. I could be wrong. But thats
how I feel.
And I'm not quitting because I'm tired of seeing/listening to Jason
at work. Or because it seems like something fishy is going on with
him and Gabe, don't get me started. Yeah it would be really nice to
not work there so I could delete him from my friends and not have
to see him like 2 or 3 times a week. So I could just not even think
about it for several days.
But thats not why I'm quitting and it's bothered me because I don't
want to feel like I need to work somewhere else becasue I broke
my job code once and dated someone I work with. Not to mention
he's a selfish cheauvanistic b**** who has to have my attention for
some amount of time each week it seems. But since he hasn't really
talked to me at work, I don't care about working together. But I just kind
of feel like, I did the restaurant thing, its way stressful for me. Maybe
I get stressed about us being busy because then the hosts seem
meaner or I'm worried about how mean they will be or what will happen.
I do feel like I've gotten some decent customer service training though.
Thats probably one of the biggest things I've learned working at a
Cameron Mitchell Restuarant, is that customers are the most important
part of the business. All of my managers have been great advocates
of that through how they handle customer service issues.
I think I would only feel bad about leaving in that there are a lot of
people that I really do like that would be sad I'd be gone. Like
Terryl. I'll miss our morning conversations about Maddie and how
stupid men are. I do love Terryl. I'll miss Max always trying to scare
me and stuff, us making fun of Jason. Me and Carla comiserating
over the people we don't like. Corbin chatting me up. Pablo might
cry. I'll miss Edgar and Oscar and Elogio and Abby. I'll miss Kelly
and Kelli and the other Kelly. Shorty and Ben and Kurt and Keith.
Ah my buddy Keith. Caroline S, love her, Lauren down to earth, Helen
in touch with earth lol. Shaun, J Walters, ahh but W wouldn't be there
too much longer if he could help it. I feel like thats it. So like 22 people.
Thats a good amount of people. But for some reason not enough to
keep me there.
Well we'll see what God says, I just prayed that he would tell me
what to do and when to do it and to give me the words to say.

I seriously cannot wait for this quarter to be over.
I have 4 mondays left total. 3 mondays of class
and then 1 monday of finals. Then-
I'M FREE!

ok actually I'm really irritated right now because this
one day my GM was looking through my notebook,
don't ask me why people think that they can just look
through one's notebook when its on the host desk,
and came across some drawing I had been doing to
finalize the design of my tattoo. She was looking at
one of them and told me it looked phallic, like the
heart looked like a vagina. I'm like uh I don't see it.
So then like yesterday when I was telling her that I
picked an artist she asked what I was getting. I
said it was a heart and flower and that I had a
picture of it on my phone. As I was pulling it out
she said, "Oh is it that one I saw that one day that
looked..." Ok no. Not that drawing you saw.
So now I'm really irritated because I can't see it
and I'm wondering if it's true. Because I'm not going
to get something tattooed on me for the rest of my
life that looks like that.
IRRITATED.

Which brings me to why I want the quarter to be over.
So I can start working in the salon.
I want to get away from all the stressful nights, the BS,
the Bizzies, and I'd really love to not have to see Jason.

I'd like to think that I don't want to leave because crap
went south with him and he irritates me to no end.
Or because head hancho host put me in my place.
But because its stressful and people are a giant
bizzie pain in the butt.
Now when it comes to dealing with people, I think
alot of it has to do with attitude. If people are modifying
food orders, it's my job to help them out and make sure
they get what they want. People really appreciate that
sort of thing. I know I'll have to deal with people being
all mean and bizzie at the salon but for some reason
I'm ok with that. I think because the customer will be my
number one priority to deal with them at that time and
not what four other people want or need me to do. I'm
sure that during the holidays it can get like that. But having
worked in a restaurant I feel like I can handle it.
Actually I just feel like I'd be a lot better if I had an attitude
adjustment. I don't know but I really do feel irritated
about my job right now. Maybe it was just some bad juju vibes.
I think greeting really messes with people. I feel like
its's the most coveted position as a host. All you do is
stand there "Hi how are you? How many this evening?
Can I have a name? Here you go (hands party a pager)
its going to be about a 35 minute wait, this works all
throughout the mall." You don't talk to anyone behind you
cooridinating or running. I don't know maybe my whole
attitude last night took a turn because right when I got
there one of the girls told me I was running.
I think it just irritates me that I'm still the lowest on the
totum pole when they just hired Katie and she gets to
greet every saturday and I have to run all the time.
Oh yay I got to cooridinate last week when we were slow.
I just don't care anymore. I feel like it's so stupid. I'm just
tired of all the bull crap. They all take it so seriously and
get such attitudes. I'd love to just work with people who
love their job. But I'm really just tired of working at the woo.
I'm tired of people making fun of Clancey's name every time
I talk about him. I'm tired of people going through my
notebook and making fun of me. I just don't feel like I
fit in and I'm disliked so no I don't want to work there
anymore. Yes I know that most of the servers like me,
but small comfort that is when your GM makes crude
comments about your artwork and the tatt you want to
get, your manager used to be really very condescending
and its now a "I-get-along-with-you-and-dont-hate-you-
cause-its-easier-on-me-but-you-still-irritate-me"
relationship, the head host seems to want to keep you
down for whatever reason, and the new host gives you
lip. I feel like its all about senority but then its not at the
same time. I HATE IT. It's not even worth talking to management
about. Why? Because I'm over it and don't care. Well
obviously I care but I don't care enough to fix it and to
stay.
I really just think that I'll fit in quite well at a salon. I can
do crazy things to my hair and have piercings or tattoos
(not that I plan to have more of either of the last two)
But I feel like I would have more creative license.
It's true that its a bit more of a drive, and I HAVE to wear
all black. But I can wear colorful shoes and accessories.
I think the creative thing is really important to me.
I kind of just feel like I'm hitting a wall. Maybe a vacation
from the woo would be good, kind of assess when I got
back but I don't really know if thats an option.
Wow I just looked and if I wanted to give my two-weeks
in time that I wouldn't have to work New Years Eve, I'd have
to give it December 15th. Which I wouldn't even know if I
liked working at the salon enough to quit at that point.
Unless they respected my wishes to only work friday
and sunday lunch. Then I wouldn't have to work that night.
I don't know why I don't want to work that night though.
Well because I'd rather not spend it at the woo.I would
imagine that we'd close at the same time, but you never know.
I don't want to ring in the new year at the woo. NO FML stats.

I need to something else thats happy cause that was just depressing.

That'd be weird Beyonce, shut cho mouth.

I bought my self a birthday present. A hoody, furlined, with fur edging around the hood.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEE!

But yeah so the BIG BIRTHDAY in a day basically!  =)

I saw Ashley.
General consensus:
Point 1- WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM?!?
~I can understand being with someone who's not a super hottie. or a 10 or 9 and maybe is a 7 or 8, IF they have a redeeming quality. Which brings me to point 2.
Point 2- HE'S NEGATIVE!
~ This is very true EVERYONE knows it. Her sisters agree. I also think that his negativity is keeping her fat. And I can say that because its not like Ashley decided to be a fatass, she had medical problems. But she's still a HOTTIE! She's deff at LEAST a 9.
Point 3- SHE ISN'T HAPPY
~Like we all know she isn't. She says blah all the time. When she didn't used to. She doesn't do anything anymore. She's not happy. I know it.
Conclusion: Ashley needs to break up with Adam because his ass tendencies are going to get old fast.

I love my bday present to myself.
I can't wait for this quarter to be over.
I can't wait to work at the salon.
I really can't wait to get my tattoo!
Here's a pic.


I'm going to get it on my ribcage. Just black with shading.

Here's what it means to me.
When I was younger I was getting prayer and this lady who was praying for me said that God saw me as a flower. I really like flowers. The flower represents God.
My mom originally drew a heart similar to that one, I redrew it. The heart represents everything that mom and I have been through together.
I found a good place to get it done. I'm shooting for after the quarter is over. =)
So excited.

Off to dinner with my love Chloe! <3 =D

My day did not improve with work. In fact it got worse.
So stressed was I that after a series of events I ended
up crying in the bathroom and leaving a good 5 minutes 
(I know it doesn't sound long) early.

The glass is not half full, it is not half empty. The glass is
empty and broken on the floor. Such is my life.

I woke up this morning, unbelievably unhappy.
Last night I wanted to quit my job. Why?
Because it was so busy. I'm not sure exactly
why but I just wanted to quit. Then does that
mean I should try to find another job?
I like most of the people well enough. It just
gets so busy. I don't like that. I stress out.
No I really don't know how to deal with people
when they're nasty or even, shall we say, curt?
So even then, its not fair to leave me up at the
front alone, when everyone else who knows
how to talk to people is off doing something
else. Especially when I've just been running
all night and I don't have answers to pretty
much anything.
I just think I want a new job. I'm thinking about
one as a salon receptionist.  But I need to talk
to Chloe about what it's like when its at its worst.

Another reason I feel overwhelming defeat or
depression this morning is because I realized
something . All I do is work and go to school
and do homework. Thats it. I don't see friends.
I don't hang out with people. I don't do anything.
I hate it. Heres what I hate most: my schedule.
Monday: 9am math. 11am work-4p. School 5-
9pm. Work meeting 9pm, I will be late. Sleep.
Tuesday: 1015a work. (not such a bad day)
I mostly just hate mondays. Like for real.

Last night I closed, I didn't get off work until 11.18p
Today, I open. FML! for real thats how I feel FML.
Then I'm going to come home to all this homework.
Math assignment, ECD 101 paper 1, ECD 101 paper 2,
ECD 105 assignment, Assignment from counseling.

Oh yeah and because the punks I used to go to school
with decided that they wanted to wait TWO MONTHS
to retake the multiple choice part of the AP Test
I have to start studying for that now too, which now I
wish I had just gotten a REFUND!

Jason irritates me. Just end of story. Him talking
to me about our breakup and how we are now
IRRITATES ME.

And I want to chop off all the hair from 3 inches above
the nape of my neck to my forehead, and somehow
still keep the bottom layers long with out it looking like
a mullet. Why? Because I'm emotionally distressed.

Oh and did I mention I need to make a trip down to main
campus sometime soon and speak with an advisor
because I need to change my major and I'm sure class
signup is in the next week or two for Winter quarter and I
like to be on top of things.

Can I cry now?

Thats right. I had a mini, personal meaning NO ONE else was with me private dance party for about half an hour last night.
This morning I wanted pancake. Just one.
Here is Sam's personal pancake crumble.

1 apple
1 1/2 TBSP butter
2 TBSP honey
3 shakes of cinnamon
1 shake of nutmeg

1/2 C bisquick
1 egg
1/2 C Coffee Mate Sugar Free French Vanilla creamer (liquid)
small handful nuts, chopped.
small handful raisins.

In a skillet melt butter, while pan is heating up. Core apples and cut slices into 3 pieces.
Throw in pan. Turn heat down to Medium Low. Add honey and spices. Cover.
While the apples are cooking down a little, take a small bowl and combine bisquick,
egg, creamer, nuts and raisins. Consistency should be like a pancake batter. If you
don't know what that is, I can't help you. 

Pour batter over apples. Turn up to Medium heat. Turn over when edges start to bubble.
It's nearly impossible, unless you're a magical chef, to turn this over in one piece. I used
to spatulas and cut it in half and flipped it. It became a crumble.
When crumble is finished you may serve however you like. I put mine in a bowl and poured
some more creamer on it. I dont like my pancake dry.
Also goes BEST with coffee

ENJOY!

“No te me hablas.
No quiero para hablar contigo.
Ni siquiera mirame.
No te mirame mientras yo se sienta un mesa.
No me miras mientras caminar por del comedor.
No te quedarías conmigo mientras yo tratose con mis problemas.
Tu eres un niño, quieres todo ahora.
No como ese.
Ahora tú eres un enojo en mi culo.
Nunca te amo,
ni siquiera te quiere.
Vas y encuentra un otra chica para se dejar por tus engaños.
Tú perras egócentricas.”


Ah. I feel better. Pablo would know what I was saying, well enough anyway.

Yeah well apparently Jason was made of playdough.
How quickly things end.

Last night during prayer hotseat time. Clancey drunk dialed me.
Now mind you, it takes A LOT for him to get drunk. I was almost
unable to understand him. He didn't even really say much.
I didn't call him back.
The next morning I was talking about it again for some reason.
Kerry said that maybe he would appologize for drunk dialing me.
Kim said that its usually one of those things you pretend didn't
happen.

Right when we were pulling out of the driveway of our writers'
retreat, Clancey texted me saying "I dont exactly know what
happened last night. I saw that I called you last night and I
probably left a message and I don't know what I said, but
I'm sorry."

Wow Kerry you were right.

Tuesday night Jason came into work. There was a small sack of fluid under his eye. Well
He didn't want to work because he was feeling self conscious. He didn't want to hang out
that night either. I thought it was no big deal and he was being lame. For about a day yes.
The next night it turned into a black eye and swelling. We were thinking that it was a spider bite.
He went to the ER this morning and turns out that he has an abscess. The best option?
Have a plastic surgeon lacerate and drain it.
Poor honey.
He's super embarrased and will NOT let me see him under any circumstances.
However, I did drop off a care package for him. Gummy bears, gum, chocolate,a cute
picture of me, swedish fish, and a letter. Have to take of my honey somehow ;)

I really just want to leave all the Jason stuff out of this because like, just whatever.
However I was very mad, very very mad. I left the house and drove around and met
mom to have dinner at Panera. On my way out to my car I can't find my keys. I'm
thinking, oh crap I left them in Panera. Then I look in my car. Yup on the front passenger
seat. FML. I then proceeded to call several different people. My dad. He couldn't
really do anything, although did lend some ideas of things to do. Note to self,
Westerville police only unlock cars if babies are inside. Lamesauce. The dealer
can not open my car by computer. Craaaaaap. NO I DO NOT HAVE AAA FOR THE
TENTH TIME!
AH! But my mom works for a dealership and people there have people that tow
cars. Those people also can unlock your car! YAY PRAISE JESUS HALLELUYUR!
Lord Jesus saved my life tonigh, halleluyur.

That I'm tired of dealing with stuff concerning my parents divorce.
Especially since I start college in two days and I'm concerned
about work. Also how work will affect my relationship and how
much time we get to spend together.
Bah. I'm not doing my counseling homework either. Why?
Because I'm tired of dealing with stuff concerning my parents
divorce thats why. I'm. TIRED. OF. IT. OK?!
Done.

So agro. I'm hoping Jason can get his shift picked up tonight
so we can hang out. If not I'm going to writers' group with mom.

Ok i'm going to be productive now. Blah.

It confuses me that my dad said he doesn't support me in my relationship with Jason
and that he thinks its a bad idea and that theres nothing Jason could say that will
change the age difference. Yet on the other hand Dad says that he doesn't want
me to think that he doesn't like Jason or anything because he doesn't know him.
I'm like so would you like to get to know him or what? He said hes leaving it up to
me. or us. I really just dont know what to do with that. It's as if he doesn't want us to
make a big deal out of Jason meeting him but I feel like its kind of hard not to since
I feel like no matter what he says he at least doesn't like the situation. Or something.


In other news dad is open to me going to an ACTUAL psychologist and doesn't care
how much it is. WOOT!

When I seat people in a section and they want a booth thats in someone elses section I HAVE to say yes.
But sometimes what I want to do is have a conversation that goes something like this.
"Can we have a booth?"
"No"
"Why not? Theres one over there"
"BECAUSE ITS NOT IN THEIR SECTION" I say in mean scary biz voice which is much funnier in person.

I went and did my running around thursday. Dropped off the mail and Ashley's package at the post office.
I went driving around trying to find some sweet backway to Jason's. He texted me saying that he crashed
and took a nap, woke up feeling really crappy. He asked if we could hang out some other night. I was so
mad, I texted back yeah and then threw my phone on the floor of my car. I drove around back toward polaris
glaring behind my sunglasses and listening to music. I grabbed my phone about 20 minutes later or so as
I was nearing Barnes and Nobles. Jason had thanked me for being so understanding saying he would make
it up to me. Then he had sent another message asking me if I was mad. I realized as I drove that I just didn't
want to be at home. I refused to be at home when my dad got home. I did NOT want to be at the house with
him. Secondly, I was disapointed because I knew that J and I worked together. I hate working with him.
I mean I like him a lot and its not like hes a douche at work or something but it sucks because I see him
and I want to talk to him. I want to hang out with him and I can't obviously because we're at work. But now
that everyone at work knows its easier because we can just be like whatever. I knew that we probably
wouldn't get time to spend together until monday or maybe tuesday or really I didn't know. I was mad
at him. But I knew it wasn't his fault he was sick. I messaged him back and said, "Its whatever I mean
you can't help that you're sick. I just hate. my. life." He asked me if there was anything he could do. I said,
no. I explained that I was just tired of all this stuff with my dad. He called me right after I had ordered a
chai tea latte. As soon as  I heard his voice I knew I couldn't be mad at him. It's really not his fault he
doesn't feel good. Like he can't help it. We talked for about a half hour or so while I flipped through a
Glamour magazine. It was really good to talk to him.  I felt very on edge emotionally like I was about to
just cry, for what reason? Well I think because I was very emotionally distressed with everything going
on how my dad and I got into this huge argument. I just didn't want to deal with it anymore.
I walked from B & N to Von Maur, I knew lil Ashley had just gone into work and I needed to talk to someone.
I told her how Jason was sick etc. She started getting busy so I told her I was going to go to Verizon
because I needed to sign a new contract and might get a new phone. She said to come back after I did.
I went over there got a new phone signed a contract. I went back over to see Ashley and play with my new
phone. I got the Alias 2 which is an upgrade from what I'd had. I decided while I was there that I would
call my dad given that he had suggested the phone. We had a nice chat. Things seemed better. I left
VM and went home. Things seemed better with my dad, but it was like there was an elephant in the room
and we didn't know what to do about it so we just didnt talk about it. When I told my mom that she said that
its just us agreeing to disagree.
Jason ended up sleeping quite a lot. I told him to go to bed and get some sleep around 10. Not that I was
keeping him awake I just wanted to make sure he was sleeping enough. I stayed up until about 2 am
writing what I can mostly describe as a memoir started just before my parents getting divorced.  I wrote
5 solid pages. All with the intention of giving to Jason to read, possibly using to start an actual book.
Mom woke me up around 845 asking about cds for her mp3 player. I told her I would drop off what I had
with her at work because I wanted to drop something off at Jasons anway and he lives about 5 minutes
from her work. While I was visiting mom at work, J texted me saying how he felt so much better etc. I
asked him if I could drop something off. I dropped off my writing, made him jealous of my new phone.
We both worked last night. He felt a lot better.
I texted him this morning and he told me that he got up and felt so much worse, which he didn't understand.
Turns out hes been like puking sick all morning =(
We were supposed to try to hang out tonight after work. I'm betting that doesn't happen. =(
I am curious as to why he's sicker. I'm not thinking that Red Bull helped too much nor did working hard and
then staying up till about 230.

But omg it's been raging my nose man. I haven't had too many different kinds of sushi
from work or in general. Having eaten so much last night I thought that after I got off work
a nice sushi roll would do the trick. But which one? There are 5 where I work California roll,
Garden roll, Spicy Tuna, Spicy Salmon, and Caterpiller. I've had the California roll and the Garden
roll. After browsing our menu I decided that I would try the caterpiller roll. It was actually really good.
I used to scoff at sushi, like ew raw fish. But after having tried it a few times I do rather enjoy it.

I'm currently waiting for my boyfriend to wake up from his nap so we can hang out tonight.
My dad made me an account manager with my cell, I will probably be going to sign a
contract and get a new phone. I also need to send my bestest some cds. While I'm at it
I should finish my last letters to Clancey and drop those off too. Well my drive to get a few things
done has over-ridden my aching knees. I bid you adieu.

Oh and can people please stop hitting skunks? That would be great. They dont smell good.

So apparently I'm allergic to lemoade mixes because they make my throat feel icky like I'm
going to get a cold. Ugh. So I'm just chilling out now, I slept 11 hours last night.
I have to close work tonight becasue its just me and Geyse.
I would really like to wear a sweater to work... but I dont think I have any work appropriate sweaters.
:( I feel like I have one I could wear I just dont remember it. But I really dont think I have one :/
Crap I need to go to the bank. I need to do money stuff. I NEED TO FEEL BETTER!
Ugh.

Did I ever mention how aggrevating it is to me that I feel like my dad does NOT like Jason
simply because he's "too old." Like dad you dont even know him. I feel like you can't say
anything until you know him. I mean I dont generally pick bad guys. I think he got upset that
I told Jason abt a convo dad and I had. Even after dad had said, "He doesn't need to know
about this conversation." Uh k right whatever. Like I really didn't understand what the big deal
was. It wasn't that big of a deal. I was like dad its not about me and you against Jason.
Its so not even like that. I'm really just hoping that they'll be able to like be friends. I mean
seriously my dad needs a son. Ok girls shouldn't be lifting big flat screen tvs when they
just got they're nails done. I feel like I strained my forearm. Plus Jason likes to golf. I
mean what more can you ask for? A guy who loves your daughter, totally respects her physical
boundaries, takes care of her, knows what he wants to do in his life, isn't going to treat her
like crap, past the whole partying stage of life, treats me like a princess and plays golf.
Blam get over the age diff for the love of all thats holy.

    The flowers Jason got me on our first date. Me the morning after. lol.
   The flowers after they bloomed =) Like sunshine in a flower.
  The most recent bouquet <3

  Me and Jason at the zoo!

 Me and my lovey <3 mwah.

Ok you've been updated. Flowers and my man, <3 it.

11:14pmJason
your morals and your values mean alot to me also

11:15pmSamantha
i'm glad they do and that you take it seriously. it really shows me that you respect me

11:15pmJason
and i think that i told you this but i dont want to jeopordize anything with you because of a physical lusting towards you

11:18pmJason
but i know where you stand and i really dont want you to feel like its all about the physical stuff Sam
11:19pmJason
i want to get 2 know you equally 4 the woman that you are and whats in your head


11:21pmJason
i like who you are Sam...all that other stuff can wait...i wish that you can believe me on that one

i am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words


BLAM! There you have it, I told you he respects me.